Visiting Heaven

Visiting Heaven


After a life-altering accident by my doctor, I was left with injuries and damage considered by western medicine to be “permanent and progressive with no cure or treatment”. Unable to complete daily tasks by myself, frequently requiring urgent medical attention, my body has required 24-hour care for nearly a decade now. As the horrific damage progressed, my internal organs began to shut down, leaving my body unable to maintain homeostasis on its own. Among other life-prolonging intercessions, 18 months ago I began weekly infusions (to keep my organs alive for as long as possible). Yet even through daily and weekly protocols, all these measures cannot undo the progressive damage. I am dying, murdered by my doctor. Beware of who you trust with your health, it could cost you your life. Read more: Your Doctor May Be More Dangerous Than Cancer.


Visiting Heaven

How I Died And Went To Heaven, Twice

(December 2016 and again February 2017)


It’s been weeks since I’ve been able to speak a single sentence, months since I’ve moved or walked by myself. Flat on my back in bed, with nearly a decade of bed sores and pain from immobility. Time has been unimportant to me for so long it’s difficult to remember what that was like. I have no idea what day of the week it is, nor do I care. The four walls of my room look the same on Friday as they do Monday morning. I know it’s winter, from the snow, piled high on the trees, out my bedroom window, probably November through February, as these are also the most challenging months for my health.

My beloved husband, Todd, holds my fragile hand in his and sits by my side, where he’s been since I was injured in a surgical accident so many years ago. In that moment my life stopped. Everything I had ever know, all the plans I made for that day, that year, for my life… vanished. My only job now was to survive. Survive the current moment, all day, every day, year after year. As mentally and physically overwhelming my job was, in so many ways, Todd’s role was far more challenging. In that same instant, Todd lovingly and graciously expanded his role as my husband to include 24-hour caretaker, all day, every day, with no breaks, relief or assistance. He daily sacrifices himself, his time, hobbies and life, to care for me. There is no safer place for me than in his loving arms.

The weight of my ribs are heavy against my weakened lungs. Breath is shallow, difficult. Unsure if the next breath will come. My body is cold and unresponsive. I want to tell Todd how much I love him, I want to wrap my arms around him, embrace him one last time, but my arms don’t respond, don’t move. I want to tell him how close I am to death and how I don’t want to leave him. Trapped in my body, words can’t find their way to my tongue. But his water-filled eyes tell me he knows.

I lay motionless, with the slightest rise of my ribs, barely moving, as I hear my lungs gasp for oxygen. Inhale, gasp, rise. Exhale, fall, pause. Repeat. This is my world; focusing on the nearly motionless expansion of my fragile lungs. The last check from my monitors and Todd reads my ultra-low blood pressure at 78/59, my oxygen levels at 62. Another check and I continue to drop, 71/52, oxygen at 50. Though numerous attempts again, and the monitors are no longer able to read me at all. No blood pressure enough to record, not enough oxygen to be found. Per my request, if God is to take me, I want it to be at home in my bed, in the comfort of Todd’s arms, certainly not in a medical facility or Emergency Room, the reason I’m even here, suffering in the first place. They’ve done enough damage. This is my best chance of surviving. God. Prayer. Todd holds me lovingly and prays as tears overflow from his eyes. My body is cold, bitter cold, despite the pile of blankets and down comforters surrounding me.

And then it begins; like a tiny ice crystal in the center of my core. I’m suddenly very aware of it, though it’s microscopic. It’s growing. Another gasp for air and it’s twice the size. Another breath and it’s the size of a snowflake. It branches out through my intestine, freezing them in time. Solid. Cold. Frozen. Up to my stomach and down my abdomen I am freezing from the inside out. The bitter cold overwhelms my body, slowing everything to a stop, turning soft organs to solid ice. I can feel each one die, one at a time. I am freezing to death, from the inside out.   I fight it as best I can but it reaches the lower tips of my lungs. Covering them slowly from the bottom up, like frost covering a window, one ice crystal at a time, build upon the next, creeping and growing across my lungs as they harden, cold and frozen. My gasping becomes quieter as I have only the top of my lungs left. The ice crystals make their way toward my legs and arms but before they reach my fingertips, I feel the certainty of death, as it touches my heart. I know nothing else at this moment, just here, now. This feeling of soft tissue freezing into solid, cold, unmoving and unrelenting death. Beginning with the left ventricle my heart ices over, stops beating, and I am gone.

No more heart beat, no movement from my lungs. My hands and lips are blue, my body unresponsive, eyes frozen closed. I am no longer attached to my body. Me, my soul, the whole size and shape of my body, rises slowly and gently. I slip away from my body, like rising gracefully from a skin or shell that no longer confines me. I am free. I lift from my body, rising into the room, still facing the ceiling and I ascend, within seconds into Heaven.

Beautiful, brilliantly bright light is everywhere, around all things, in all things and the source of all life. Its brightness appears pure white, whiter than I’ve ever known. But the longer I stare at it, the more I can see… colors. Brilliant, vibrant and vivid colors; both bright and transparent, yet pure, indescribable, translucent white all at the same time. I’m experiencing color through more than just my eyes but through my spirit. Through senses, I didn’t even know I had. The light does more than wrap itself around me; I am immersed in it and it in me. Its warmth and brilliance surrounds me but also fills me and moves through me.


Visiting Heaven, Twice. How I died, went to Heaven and was returned.

There are no shadows anywhere, only light. No darkness, not even the lightest shade of gray. Even within me, there is no darkness, shadows or hidden crevices, nothing but beautiful, pure light, through and through. There is no pain or suffering. I am whole, complete. As I stare at this amazing light, in its completeness and purity like I’ve never seen before, I am humbled to know I could not be in its presence if I had not been cleaned and completely purified first. I couldn’t have experienced this in my body, only in my soul, and after I was washed clean by the blood of Jesus. The light is so clean, so pure, so perfect that it could not completely fill me with its awesome presence before I was cleansed, emptied of my sins, and forgiven by the grace that only Jesus can provide. I am new. I am complete. I am whole. I am loved. Completely and wholly, sacrificially loved beyond words or emotions.

This glowing, living light is more than a feast for my eyes; I can feel it nourishing my soul, to my core. Filling me with strength, contentment, and love. Like breathing oxygen I didn’t even know existed, yet bigger, deeper than lungs could ever handle, this light is for my soul. It fills me to overflowing. It’s my strength, the source of my life, the source of all life. It is God.

Like standing with our back to the sun, we can see the sunlight, watch how it illuminates everything around us. We know where the light source is, but we know better than to turn around and stare into the face of the sun. It’s just too much for our eyes. Similarly, I can see the beautiful white light as it fills Heaven, I know the source is God, and I know God is behind me, in the distance, over my right shoulder. This is where the indescribable light emanates, from God. Yet I cannot see Him or even look in His direction, nor do I try. It would be far too much for my tiny soul to handle; His purity too pristine, too enormous, too overwhelming. I just know. I know a lot of things. God is light and love. He is the essence of light that illuminates this vast place. I cannot see God, yet I see His white light, His radiance as it illuminates all things. His beautiful, immense light continues far beyond the vastness I can see.

The light is pure, unconditional love, filling, nurturing and overflowing my soul. This is somehow, visible, tangible, love. This is what God’s visible love looks like; brilliant white light that illuminates everything, including my soul from the inside out. This is what God’s tangible love feels like, being nourished from the inside of my soul to overflowing and being more alive at this moment than all my years on Earth put together. This is God’s truly unconditional love. A love so pure, so untainted, so unimaginable that it cannot be experienced if I contained even the tiniest shadow of sin within me. I am washed, cleansed, purified by God. I am humbled, blessed and grateful. I am so many things all at once and yet completely still and at peace as I stand here taking in the surroundings. This Godly love is so amazingly beautiful, enormous, expansive and life-giving, that I cannot fit it into something as trivial as words. There are no words big enough, strong enough, beautiful enough. They just don’t exist. The light that touches, and illuminates all things, while giving life to each of us, is pure love. God’s love. It is God. God is love. God is light. God’s light is literally and tangibly love.


Visiting Heaven

I am home. Where I’m meant to be, where I was created to be. I feel complete, content, and filled to overflowing with tangible love far beyond what words are capable of describing.

Behind my left shoulder, stands an enormous, white gate, rises taller than any skyscraper on Earth and wider than any ship. Not measured in stories or yards, it’s bigger than that. Enormous.  It appears beautiful, strong and powerful but not heavy. Though closed now, it can open by thought, without the touch of a hand, but only for a select few, who have the authority to open the gate. I believe this is the south gate, it seems far from the city, in the distance.

I am energy. All energy. The same energy I’ve always been. My body is similar in shape and size but fluid; like living, moving energy. It’s not in me, it is me. I’m seeing my energy the way it’s always been, but without the constraint of human eyes or the covering of skin. I’ve always sensed I was bright energy but had never seen it to this awe-inspiring extent before. The energy field around my shape is visible, beautiful and large. Expanding beyond a foot from where the edge of my body would be, this energetic field is mostly transparent, yet clearly there, in purity and glowing white, yet also in full color. Many colors. The depth and vividness of colors here are beyond human description. Even as an artist (a painter on Earth), whose passion is color, I cannot find words to describe the colors, as their experience is beyond eyes, beyond emotion, they interact with my soul in a dance, a joy, and a song. This is color. Color the way it was meant to be experienced by the soul. Beyond beauty, beyond description.

With all these changes, colors and even experiencing death, I don’t feel sad, afraid or shocked; I’m in awe but completely at peace, at home. I am content, filled to overflowing with love and joy, yet balanced with a deep, grounding connection to complete peace and stillness. I can see more and am aware of more. I am weightless but not floating. Grounded, but only my energy barely touches the ground. The ground has no soil. It too is white, like gold so refined, so pure that it’s transparent, even semi-soft. White clouds touch the ground and extend as far as I can see. The light touches and reflects on and through the clouds as they reach beyond my sight.

On my left, I’m greeted with the joyful energy, of five people. Loved ones who arrived before me. I recognize them and know them, not by their face but by their energy. The same essence and energy I knew them with on Earth. Their bodies are like mine, glowing light, radiating from a form, without the unimportant details of skin or facial features, or at least not noticeable because the light emanates so brilliantly from within. I know them and love them. I am thrilled to see them, and as I embrace each one, our energy fields intertwine, exchanging love, light, colors, and energy, from one to the other as we greet each other with tremendous joy.

Each person’s light is brilliant white, yet as I look closer, I begin to see the subtle but beautiful colors all around them. Each person’s energetic colors are the same yet slightly different, each with their own unique pattern, color, and order. Yet the colors change slightly as they think or change their emotions. All of our conversations are without words. We communicate faster and more deeply, through thoughts from our souls. So much truth, so much honesty, beauty, joy, and happiness. A beautiful reunion, beyond words.


Visiting Heaven

Someone else, taller and much brighter is standing in front of me. A man I know, but different than those on my left. I’ve known him since I was a child. His presence and love is familiar yet I cannot place it yet. It isn’t until He speaks to me that he allows me to recognize Him. This is Jesus. Standing in front of me.

I have no words and am so deeply humbled, I fall to my knees at His presence. I’m tremendously grateful that He showed Himself to me at first as my beloved old friend, so I would be more capable of seeing Him and remembering who He’s been to me. My friend, my Savior, my God.

His pure, white robe is long and flowing, moving like a gentle wind yet I feel no breeze, only energy. His face shines brightly, radiating love to my soul, and I humbly accept, with my face bowed to the ground.

I feel the presence of the Holy Spirit here too, moving throughout this place, even within me. I can speak through my spirit and share what all of them already know, my humble, loving gratitude beyond any depth that words can even begin to express.

I am separate yet connected to everything. When I think of a question, the answer appears in my mind nearly before I think the question. I go through my first dozen questions within seconds and obtain answers and enlightenment immediately, feeling at peace, comforted and complete. Nothing seems to surprise me. It’s more like finally making sense of things and having that “ah, of course” kind of moment at every thought. Like puzzle pieces finally fitting together, allowing me to see the bigger picture and how it all fits together perfectly.

There are uncountable souls here, in the vast beauty of white light and open space. Unimportant, worldly details, like skin and facial features, are no longer present. We all share the same brilliant white light resonating from within that shines through our faces, hands, and bodies. We all speak the same language or perhaps understand all languages, I’m not sure which, although most of the time it’s not spoken, but thought, from one beautiful soul to another.

I remember my time on Earth, but with a new perspective. I remember good memories and the wonderful people and my experiences on Earth. I know people here in Heaven, but I also know Todd and so many other loved ones are still on Earth. Yet my bad memories are somehow distant, foggy, not as vivid or detailed. I know that bad things happened but they’re not as powerful or emotional and don’t cause hurt or tears, like on Earth. It’s like having knowledge or an awareness of a simple, but unimportant fact. Like saying “the sky looks blue” or “that’s a red balloon”. It doesn’t carry any negative emotion, weight or tears with it. I know there is “sin”, “pain” and “suffering” on Earth but I can’t recall the depth of these experiences. I know the words, but it’s as if I saw them in a dictionary. They are just words with a vague, distant and unemotional definition. I can’t quite remember, beyond the words, how that would feel, look like or what it would be like to experience them.

In the presence of Heaven, being filled to overflowing with the light of God, nothing else matters. There is God and nothing else is important. I don’t feel an absence of those negative memories or emotions, it’s just not important anymore. Like letting go of something that no longer serves me. I have much more important things to do. The most overwhelming thing, that I cannot stress enough or even begin to describe, is the light of God.

I just want to stare at it, absorb it, breathe it in and be bathed in it. I am overflowing with it yet enamored and mesmerized by it. This light is visible, beautiful and white; pure and perfect. It’s also tangible I can feel it with my soul, feel it touch me, fill me, and move through me. At the same time, this light is love, unconditional love of God for His children, pouring into me a fullness of peace and joy so pure, like I’ve never known before. It’s also wisdom, knowledge and understanding, an enlightenment so beyond brilliant that is light itself. God’s light is also fuel, energy, nourishment that continuously fills me, energizes me. It is all things. Nothing else matters. The power and depth of God’s radiant light is beyond comprehension yet so amazing that I could drink it in for eternity.

After some time here, hours, if not days, (although time is different, less important here) taking in the surroundings, light, and energy of Heaven, I walk with Jesus along the transparent gold street. I know it’s coming, and what I’ll say. Jesus asks me, “Do you want to go back?” Without hesitation, I answer, “Yes. I have more of Your work to do.” In my mind, I see dozens of faces, those I love. God knows them by name without me having to speak. I know there are more, those I don’t even know yet, but God knows and agrees. He knew before He even asked me. His question was not for His sake, but for mine, for me to realize and solidify my reason for returning. There is much work to accomplish. So many not yet saved. I feel I haven’t done enough. There is more for me to do. More people to encourage. More souls that can be saved. More people who need to feel God’s love. I want to be a light to shine in the direction of God; an arrow pointing others to Him. I know (and it saddens me) that few will believe and accept. But for me, I must do everything I can, even returning from the dead, to share, love and try one final time to reach the lost, whom I love so deeply. For those few, whose hearts might be opened, I choose to sacrifice my immediate surroundings, and return to the agony of my body, until God calls me to Heaven once again. I must do as much as I can, and I believe I can still do more.

Jesus agrees for me to return. He explains that some of my memories of Heaven will be clouded from my mind while I’m on Earth. I’ll remember I was with souls I’ve loved, yet when I return I won’t be able to name them. I’ll remember the surroundings and some enlightenment but not the answers to future events. I agree and understand, then immediately I’m back inside my body, on the bed where Todd sits in tears, my hand in his.

I gasp for air as life sucks back into my lungs. A long, deep, loud inhale like I’ve never known. My heart begins to beat again, small, shallow movements at first, but slowly growing in strength, and finally creating a rhythm once again. My chest barely rises then falls, and my heart and lungs begin to thaw. The gradual warmth spreads slowly, like melting thick ice from each adjacent organ beginning around my heart and lungs. Eventually my eyes open just a slit. My frozen hand in Todd’s; I cannot move or speak yet, but his mouth forms a small but powerfully emotional grin as his eyes weep with joy, telling me he knows I’m coming back.

My torso, then head, limbs, feet, and hands slowly gain in temperature. Hours turn to days and my body is finally warm, I can feel, move and begin to form my first words again. Weeks pass before I form sentences, read or write. I don’t know how much longer God decided to allow me here, but every day I’m able, I continue to live for Him, spreading love, and sharing God’s truth with anyone whose heart is willing to listen.

Six months after returning to Earth I continue to be deeply humbled and grateful for my opportunity to return here, and to do God’s work as best I can for as long as God grants me time here. Whenever God decides it’s time for me to return to Heaven, I’ve decided in my heart (at least at this moment) that I will stay in Heaven this time. The torture within my body has become insufferable. I’ve fought a good fight and I plan to leave my encouraging words here for anyone willing to read them, accept them or share them. I sincerely pray that my words and my life will touch your heart, encourage you to know and accept Jesus as your personal savior so you can know eternal salvation in Heaven. I pray for all of you and I look forward with tremendous joy to seeing you in Heaven someday. Hope to see you there!

Got God?


Visiting Heaven


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